Hi, My name is Heather and I'm fat!

That says it all doesn't it? No matter what I do, what I think, how I feel, everything comes back to that one three letter word...FAT.

When I look in the mirror I can fool myself into believing I'm not really as fat as I feel. That my clothes look better than they really do. That my butt actually fits in the movie theater seat (it does, but you get the idea.) That I'm actually one pretty hot chick. However, when confronted by myself in picture form the truth is inescapable...I'm FAT and I don't like it!

I've been doing Weight Watchers off and on since September of 1999. I was pretty successful in the first year and lost 40 pounds. However, I stopped working the program and the weight started to slowly creep back and then it returned with a vengeance after 9/11 when I once again turned to my old friend food for comfort.

Fast forward to January 2002 and I'm back on the program and actually feeling pretty good and confidant. However, I'm doing this site as my attempt to fight off the urge to stop my journey and let the fat me win. The thin me is calling for a chance to shine...it's her turn!

Super fast forward to January 2004 and I'm trying to pick up the pieces once again. In November of 2002 I went off program for "the holidays" and it took me a full year, and a weight gain of about 35 pounds to drag myself back. I think I am terrified of getting thin, I can not figure out what the reason is, but my journey this time is to not only get healthy, but to find out why I sabotage myself every time I hit a milestone. The last time it was my 50 pound mark. The first time it was after my first 10% and a couple of dress sizes. Regardless, it seems every time I start to succeed I subconsciously freak out and start in an upward spiral.

Zip along to August 2004 and I'm still trying to find my way. I've never said this was easy, and I continue to try to find my way on this journey. I refuse to give up... even though I'm quickly approaching my 5 year mark on this trek and I'm "only" down 23.4 pounds from my highest weight. That's an average of less than 5 pounds a year gone. Yet, it's better than an average of 10 pounds a year put on.

Join me now in January 2005 and I'm back to weighing just 3.4 pounds less than I did in September of 1999! I temporarily lost the battle but I refuse to lose the war and have once again joined Weight Watchers! I pray that this time is the last time I have to join, the last time I have to bring myself back from the brink, the last time I have to confront my own failure to be and stay healthy, the last time to start over. I pray that this is the first time I manage to be successful in this journey and make it all the way to my destination. It is so easy to make a detour, so easy to lose my bearings and ignore my internal GPS unit, it is so easy to fail to find my way. I refuse to do that again!

Wait a minute... it's now January 2006 and I'm still FAT! What is going on??? Well, the story continues to be written and I continue to weigh more than I should. The good news is that I am 10.2 pounds less than I was at this time last year. I lost around 20 pounds in 2005 and put a lot of it back on in the last few months of the year, but I still think I'm doing pretty well considering my weight is down for the year. I have recommitted myself, yet again, to working towards my goal and pray that when 2007 rolls around I'll be boasting a much larger year end loss than 10 pounds! All together I am down  13.6 pounds from where I was 6+ years ago. I guess that's better than nothing!

October 2007 brought the start of a new leg of my journey. I started seriously looking into weight loss surgery. My interest was in the Lap-Band procedure. The idea of a surgery, that would help me, was very appealing as I've proven that I can not do this on my own. With Lap-Band you don't have anything done to change your anatomy, you instead are given a tool to help you control your portion sizes and assist you in losing the weight at about a 1-2 pound a week rate. I attended a few seminars and talked to several people and finally chose a surgeon. After attending meetings with a psychologist, nutritionist and exercise physiologist, starting a higher protein - lower carb pre-op diet and having a physical and EKG I was ready to go. I lost 13 pounds prior to surgery and was on my way. December 18, 3007 was the day of surgery. Since then I have started exercising every day, and have kept to a 1200 calorie (or less) diet. I've lost almost 19 pounds in the 8 weeks post-surgery. I truly feel as if I'm on my way to success for the first time in all of this long journey. To follow me on this journey, please read my blog.

I've never said this journey was going to be quick or easy. I had hoped for my own sake that it would be, but I guess after 8+ years of off and on fighting for myself that I have to realize it may take awhile and I refuse to give up!